I was born in May of 1968 in a pasture outside of Buxomburg, Austria to a poor peasant girl. I was quickly wrapped in a burlap sack and dropped off at the nearest abby. I was raised by a Mary Poppins-esqe nun named Maria who, suddenly tired of me by age 4, threw me on a train heading west.

I fell off that train one day as it steamed up a large hill near the Germany border and I rolled into a small town called Untlieberdich. After being run over by a cart being pulled by four hefty donkeys, I was taken in by a vacationing Japanese artist named Niko. He dressed me up so I would pass as his pet monkey and we headed for New York City.

Once there, he taught me the way of "The Sati Wacu", an ancient race of Japanese artists who liked to dress people they met like their pet monkeys. Anyway, as I grew older, I discovered that dressing like a pet monkey was disturbing to many who witnessed this strange religion. After losing many girlfriends, I decided to join the normal world. I shed my tiny vest and even smaller hat and headed west.

My travels would eventually land me in the mecca of cheese and beer...Milwaukee. There I opened a small antique store/bowling alley/foot massage parlor called Pete's Cafe. Unfortunately, Milwaukee wasn't ready for this innovative marketing idea so I was forced to look elsewhere for a way to make a decent living.